WEIRD THINGS CHINESE DO

( I Wrote this on Thursday)

I’ve been saving this post for the end of the trip, and was going to title it ‘Interesting Things Chinese People Do’. Due to the fact that I got pick pocketed today by some weasley mo fo, I’m going to take this more as an opportunity to vent on how much Chinese suck. I mean…I was having a great day.

I interviewed the owner of my favorite Texas BBQ place for a Globalization paper and had a big ass beer with him, I had a really fun night last night, and the weather is beautiful outside. I really had no reason to complain.

Getting off the train, I decided to treat myself to a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich that I lot of people really like to eat and I have never had it before (its on a bomb ass roti bread like the ones at Flat Top grill, but its super greasy and cooked in the bacon fat, probably the reason its so great). I was crossing a busy intersection and was jamming out to Sting’s I’ll Be Missing You with one iPod headphone in my ear. As I crossed the busy intersection, I was juggling a book and the hot bacon, egg and cheese in my hands. When I went to throw out the wrapper for the sandwich in the trash, I noticed the headphones weren’t plugged into my iPod anymore. A little Chinese girl came up to me a minute later and told me in Chinese that someone had taken my iPod out of my peacoat pocket. FML. And thanks for stopping him little Asian girl.

So I am taking this opportunity to bash on Chinese people for a little bit. Its how I feel at this certain point.

Now I’m not going to rant on the obvious things. Yes, they have a ridiculous infatuation with Lady Gaga. They chain-smoke like no culture (maybe the French) that I have ever been around. Their dental hygiene is borderline nasty (apparently because the water has no fluoride in it) They play WOW, World of Warcraft, in droves and into the early hours of the morning, its really sad. They are horrible, I mean HORRIBLE drivers, (taking DWO to a whole new level I didn’t know existed). And they really can’t hold any of their liquor…..that felt a little better.

But here are the main things I will touch on.

1. Many of them wear glasses frames with no lenses:

Now, I thought this was just something that wannabe trendy hipsters do so they look even more artsy than they are. Like it wouldn’t surprise me if my friend Drew DeGennaro attempted to wear these frames this summer when he was trying to be all Bohemian and shit while living the trendy life Brooklyn. Here, they take that fashion idea and run with it. All the while looking a little bit douchier.

Now my tutor Alice, who I really love and who has helped me through a myriad of challenging homework assignments, wears these frames. Yet, half the time she wears real glasses to help her vision. Why wear the just frames?? I really can’t answer that.

2. They don’t sweat.

Except for my Issues in Modern Chinese Society teacher, Wei Wei (and I only count him as half Chinese cause he went to school at Loyola in Chicago), I really can’t think of any time when I saw a Chinese person was noticeably sweaty.

And it got HOT when we first got here in September. I mean go through 3-4 shirts a day because it was so hot and sticky (God can only imagine how many shirts Hodge would go through if he was here. He goes through 2 before we go out at night, FWI… Every Night). It’s a humidity that puts the August heat in NYC to shame. It was truly unbearable. And you could never find a sweaty Chinaman. When playing basketball, no one is sweating. When we play badminton, and when I played Elliott’s roommate Eric in badminton too, only the white boys were sweating. It was something that was truly unexplainable.

3. As a result, they like luke cold water/ beer

Now I’m a guy who puts ice cubes in every drink. I need it all ice cold at all times. Drinking beer and water that is sweating is sacrilegious, but it happens all the time here and was super noticeable in the hot heat of September.

4. After using the bathroom they don’t use soap.

There is a reason SARS spread so quickly here. THEY DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS AT ALL AFTER USING THE BATHROOM. People still walk around with facemasks on their faces (maybe because of the SARS or the horrible air quality that, since the expo closed, is slowly killing me), yet they don’t wash their hands after shitting. Which takes me to my next topic…

5. They have horrible bathroom traits.

When they poo they wipe then put the tp in a trash can next to the toilet. Try going to the bathroom in 100 degree weather with 100 % humidity at 4 in the afternoon, all with a full can of hot doodie wipes next to you. It’s horrible.

They consistently miss the urinals. I don’t know exactly how this is possible, but every night, I can count on our communal bathroom to have a ridiculous amount of pee on the floor. I mean, I stepped in it this morning when I wasn’t paying attention. They even put signs in public bathrooms reminding them to take their time and make sure that they are finished before walking away… I haven’t even mentioned the chronic splatter pooer on our floor. The Picasso of Chinese roommates. I’ll save that story for a rainy day though.

6. Juice doesn’t exist in this culture.

I mean, they have juice, it’s just not juice. It is like flavored sugar water. Cranberry juice, grape juice, apple juice all taste really bad here. Like jolly ranchers mixed into water. Don’t even get me started on Orange Juice. They take tang and add real (or at least I hope it is) orange pulp. They market the product as fresh OJ. I just want Simply Natural OJ sooo bad.

The other week, Elliott and I were eating at our local dumpling place and ordered the good old Chinese American (and Panda Express) classic of Orange Chicken. Only we found that what we got was Tang Chicken. The fluorescent Orange sauce has put me off on the stuff for the rest of the trip.

7. They ride escalators but don’t move.

Yes, I know, this happens in America too with fat lazy people, it can be seen as super Amerrrican. But with the amount of people traveling on escalators here, and I mean hundreds at a time, it can become overwhelming. Trying to catch a train or even get into a train station can take way longer than it should as you are on an escalator that you can’t move on.

8. College students act like American 7th graders

This was really the most surprising thing that I have encountered on the entire trip. Having been to Japan, I expected the openness and almost kinkiness that the culture of Japan exhibits. The Japanese love to party and drink and eat and drink some more. They are truly the cooler Asians. Yet, the Chinese have a very puritan lifestyle.

They have spent their entire middle school and high school life focusing on the GaoKao, the national entrance college exam. They spend their entire careers spending their time studying from 8am – 10 pm. School is a prison. The pressure is so great on these kids that they don’t have social lives. NONE.

They take their college careers as a time to talk to girls for the first time, have their first kisses, hold hands, look at porn for the first time, consider masturbating for the first time and cuddle/spoon. It was really a shocking find and almost a huge disappointment of this trip.

Take this all with a grain of salt though, I still freaking love China and have had the time of my life here (up until 7 pm this evening). But with less then a two weeks left here, I know I’m going to miss the shit out of it.

Yeezy Taught Me.

Drew